WHO Running out of Panic Colors (satire)

by Chris Sturr | May 04, 2009

Hat-tip to TM for this gem, and “hi” to Jay O’C.

World Health Organization running out of colors to scare people about Swine Flu

1 May 2009—A representative from the World Health Organization today related the agency’s dissatification with the level of public anxiety over swine flu, and the diminishing number of color-coded alert levels left to combat the public’s lack of concern with something they have been told they can do virtually nothing about.

“We need to get out the two messages that the world faces an unprecedented health threat which could result in Biblical-strength death and suffering, bodies stacked like cordwood, limed trenches, road warrior style disintegration of civilization resulting in the universal wearing of bondage leather fetish garb—and, that our only weapon against the disease is hand washing.

“And we need to get these two messages out without causing a panic. Although, frankly, we’d like a little more panic than we’re seeing now.”

The WHOs sole remaining color-coded alert level is, “PANIC.”

“We’re having hard time figuring out how to raise the alert level without causing a panic, ” worried one official. “In retrospect we needed a lot more levels, but the graphic designer we were working with insisted that this color palette was working, and that adding another color would have looked stupid.”

The organization is considering inserting a number of additional threat levels between the current level, (Orange, Panic Ready) and the highest level. (Panic.)

“We know that this sounds like that scene of Spinal Tap where Nigel says, ‘But this one goes to eleven.'” said one representative under condition of anonymity.

A reprentative of the 80% of humanity who is refusing to get worked up until the illness has killed as many people as Sport Fishing went on record as saying, “I’ll be sure to use a condom next time I make love to a pig. Stop bothering me about this. I have other things to worry about.”

See the original post.

1 comment

One Comment

  1. Hey Chris, thanks for reposting my article! My site was hacked and while I have the contents of the site in a database file, i haven’t devoted the day of my life to figuring out how to get the damn article out again. This will simplify things!

    My site is at: http://www.jayoconnell.com. You can check out my new article, “Obama Announces New Cash for Sex program.” if you’d like. (It’s voluntary, like the drug companies promise to charge less for drugs.)

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